Atheism

For the longest time, I've always referred to myself as an atheist. And for the most part, I was (or still am?). You see, when you are young, it's easy to accep that there is simply nothing after death. Now, I do not claim that I know the truth and that nothing after death is, indeed, the truth. It was, however, the idea that I found the least disturbing.

I was raised Catholic (and to date I pretty much lump all Bible-oriented religions into one big category) and the idea of heaven and hell and all eternity is simply disturbing to me. Never mind whether a person on earth can truly commit a crime so heinous that he/she deserve eternity in hell, let's just examine the idea of being in heaven forever. Of course, some say that you'll be with God. Well, that's certainly a hard concept for me to grasp, but let's just say you are with your loved ones. But all eternity? Aren't you familiar with the concept that there can be too much of something, good or bad?

I love my husband dearly, but spending 7 days straight 24 hours a day with him is simply too much. When we moved to San Diego for his last 10 months in the Navy, I relocated with him because we didn't want to be apart. We were just going to rent a nice, small place for a year but he decided on a one bedroom apartment. And he was right, sometimes even escaping into the next room for a while is healthier than not at all.

And the whole Buddhism idea of reincarnation -- even worse of a nightmare. What? One time is not enough? I am going to have to do this over and over and over and over again? I didn't even sign up to this. Or perhaps I did and will, but I just don't have that knowledge at my current state. I suppose depending on who you talk to, some would say you'd reincarnate till you've become a Buddha, but judging from what I know about being a Buddha (again, not much), I'm not exactly ga-ga over that life style and to spend live timeS to attain that?

But now that I am in my 30's, my view point is changing. I heard this early 20 something guy said matter-of-factly one time, "there's nothing after death." And although it had been my belief for the last couple decades, it struck me as cold, almost cruel. "There's got to be more, right?"

When I was in my 20's, and am not emotionally attached to any one or anything, that belief was enough for me. To believe that we are just the "gene machine." We are merely here on earth to procreate and ensure the survival of our species and that there's nothing beyond that. Now that I'm in my 30's, met the love of my life, and decided to not procreate, that idea is no longer comforting to me.

People became greedy when they became emotionally attached to another individual. First you see each other once or twice a week. Then that's no longer enough, and you see each other more frequently, say 3-5 times a week; when that's no longer enough, you move in together. Then people get married, which is essentially promising each other that you want to spend the rest of your life with him/her, all legal mumbo jumbo aside (unless, of course, you have ulterior motive such as an unborn baby. I do not claim that all folks get married for the right reason). Now that I am 3 years into my marriage and still madly enough, I am starting to wonder perhaps one life time is simply not enough time to spend with him. I am starting to WISH there is more after death, not because I am afraid of the unknown, but because I want more time with him.

Could love truly be nothing but an evolutionary byproduct to ensure the survival of the species because in the society today, a nuclear family between two heterosexual, monogamous partners provide the best environment for our offsprings? But the feeling of love is SO strong. Shouldn't there be more to it? Oh, I sure hope there is. But for the time being, I am going to have to go with half atheism and half "perhaps there are something bigger out there that's yet to be found out."